Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
