my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
