I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Randomize
