if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
