If i come over, it means nothing
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
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