im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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