I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
