I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I faked an abortion last night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
