Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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