I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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