i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
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We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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