Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
