DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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