I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
