Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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