he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It was confusing and full of hummus
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
