i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
