you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
