she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just invented taco cereal.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
