Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
