How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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