farters have to be the big spoon...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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