i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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