So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You dont lie about slip and slides
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But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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