Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
