chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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