but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
