3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
