i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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