im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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