Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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