Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
