Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
