Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
