Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
