FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
