He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
