the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
