Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I smell like Dick and happiness
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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