i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
