I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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