I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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