Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
