Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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