drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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