you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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