i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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