Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
