She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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