fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
