How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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