I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
