I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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