theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
