In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Buhtt sex?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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